The Magic Mirror

A daily self-catching habit for the moment a team member’s behaviour irritates you and you are not really sure why. You treat the irritation as a reflection of something you recognise in yourself and are still working to manage, rather than as a verdict on the other person.

How it goes

1. Notice the irritation. The trigger is finding yourself irritated by a team member’s behaviours without being sure why.
2. Stop, and question why it is happening.
3. Ask what it is about these behaviours that causes you so much suffering.
4. Ask whether this is something you recognise in yourself and diligently work to manage on a daily basis — and whether, deep down, you feel you have not yet mastered that trait in yourself.
5. Look for the bruised or insulted ego at the root of it. He finds it works in two ways: you see someone behaving in a way you have recognised in yourself and tried hard to change, and when the person steamrolls you it hurts because your ego feels undervalued and stepped on.
6. Reject what the ego wants, which is for you to judge and be reactive. Let the behaviour slide with an understanding and compassionate response, and make a conscious effort at practising patience, compassion, and empathy in how you deal with the person.
7. Congratulate yourself for practising the kind of mindful awareness that is the foundation of the practice. If you want, you can say to yourself, “Today, I am a Middle Way Manager!”

A caution

He is clear about both what the Magic Mirror is worth and what it costs. Catching yourself in the act of judging someone else is the key to mindful awareness, and catching yourself more and more means your sensibilities are becoming finely tuned and energised. What may not be so good, he says, is that by the time you catch yourself you have already spent valuable time and energy thinking about someone else’s behaviours — behaviours you largely cannot control — in negative and non-productive ways. He does not claim it becomes easy. Asked whether he always acts with compassion and empathy toward the colleague in his own example, he answers that he certainly does not: this is a practice, and a process with no clear terminal point at which you have arrived. He uses the tool on a daily basis and describes himself as always becoming a Middle Way Manager.

Next time you catch yourself being irritated with someone, stop and question why it is happening. Then, congratulate yourself for practicing the kind of mindful awareness that is the foundation of your Middle Way Management practice.

— Middle Way Management and the Magic Mirror